Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
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Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.