Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
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This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
January has been Januweary
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
This meeting could have been a cake
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.