Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
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Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
back to work
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.