[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
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Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
Me buying fruit and veg
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.