[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
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You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
Truth
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body