[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
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Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
Who called it baking and not making love
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.