The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
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every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
I came this close!!!!
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?