detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
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“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
The struggle is real
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo