@VampireIguana: Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
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@bombsydoll: "I am not a human garbage disposal" *eats leftover mac n cheese anyway* *makes terrible grinding noise after accidentally swallowing fork*
@XplodingUnicorn: My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there's poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
@OhNoSheTwitnt: "You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep." -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow