@Australianimal: Taken 4: Liam Neeson's daughter is kidnapped again. He calls up kidnappers and says "just keep her. She's annoying and I'm tired of this"
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@ArcaneAndAdrift: Police arrested 2 kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off
@WhiskeySoured: If a bear is chasing you, don't run. Be very still and tweet about it because you're about to die.
@StephenBCramer: My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I'm going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
@Fred_Delicious: Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It's a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues