Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
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Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.