Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
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An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
For the baby who has everything
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
こいつ天才
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.