Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
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Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
how much for the angry fruit?
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature