How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
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Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.