The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
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My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel