[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
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I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
Truth
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball