*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
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Fabio hasn’t aged a day
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably