Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
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Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
My wife gives the best headache.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord