[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
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Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
look at me when i’m typing to you