My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
You Might Also Like
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Monday Lisa
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕