You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
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Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.