*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
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For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise