DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
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You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”