“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
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vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.