Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
You Might Also Like
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*