Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
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When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s