*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
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Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ