*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
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AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.