*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
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If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.