*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
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Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
#MeanwhileinCanada
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy