*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
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If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops