*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
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[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
new wife guy just dropped
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *