FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
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As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
Traveler’s camo
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor