*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
You Might Also Like
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt