[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
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Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.