*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
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You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
i dont have time for this
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
Diabetes was the God of sugar.