*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
You Might Also Like
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided