*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
You Might Also Like
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Best seat on the street 😍
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
mom had nothing to worry about
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Herpes is trending, good job people
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.