*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
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I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.