@pippydrydocking: *Takes kids for sushi before seeing "Finding Dory"*
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@shanethevein: I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck. Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
@RidiculousSheri: I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
@david8hughes: [911 call] "My hand's stuck in a blender!" "Turn it on then." "What?" " I can't hear it, turn it on so I know you're not lying."
@david8hughes: As a fireman, I'm constantly asked questions like, "Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?"