A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
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[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
Wednesday
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem