“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
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Can. I. Help. You.
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
Mouse
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.