*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
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I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA