I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
You Might Also Like
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
Yup!
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”