*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
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In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman