*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
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the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
Last-minute gift idea!
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.