*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
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Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Ironic
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.