*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
You Might Also Like
Lol.
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet