*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
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Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
This is true.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.