*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
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The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
True freaking story!
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
Wait for it
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.