*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
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The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur