*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
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[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…