*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
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random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.